Thank You

I know it is traditional to count our blessings at this time of year. But I also find myself engaged in another tradition, that of reviewing the past year as many commonly do around New Year’s Day.

I know 2020 isn’t over yet but Thanksgiveg marks a defining moment in my life. It was at Thanksgiving of 2019 that I came out to the world as a transgender woman. So this Thanksgiving marks my one year anniversary of being the real me.

As I look back on the past year there has been so much pain. Even for those that didn’t lose a loved one, or get horribly sick, it has been such a difficult year; covid, social unrest, political turmoil. I so wish all of that didn’t have to be.

Yet as I look over this difficult year and consider where I started, I cannot help but be so grateful. It has been very hard, but for me, it has also been a year of tremendous growth.

I am sure most of you are familiar with the African proverb “It takes a village”. It is as true for trans as it is for children. It is not just one or two that we need. We need so many more, we need a village. A village isn’t just a group of people that do things; it is a home, a world where you are safe and nurtured. It is a place to grow and become the person you are supposed to be.

There are so many people in my village. Some I have known a long time, others I only met this past year. Some I converse with regularly, others only occasionally via emojis and thumbs-up. But no matter how small you think your contribution was, I want you to know it meant more than I can put into words. Sometimes just seeing your profile picture made my day because it reminded me I am not alone; I have my village.

I have sent out thank you posts and emails. I hope I got everyone, but if you are a member of my village and didn’t get a thank you from me, please consider this it. I cannot put into words the immense gratitude in my heart. So instead of attempting something I will surely fail at, I would like to share with you some of the growth you have helped bring about.

Baby Steps

I so wish I had a magic wand that I could wave over my head and instantly be done with it all. That I could be as I should have been. But as far as we have progressed with modern medicine there still isn’t a magic wand. It is a process, a slow process. So I have learned to focus on the things I can improve and to take small steps, baby steps.

That isn’t always easy. My inclination is to take giant leaps. But then most often I fail and end up discouraged and depressed. But when I take baby steps that I am confident I can succeed at I am encouraged. Sometimes there is a nagging voice that says, ‘you only did that’. But then I recall the story of the Tortoise and the Hair and I realize, ‘slow and steady’ does win the race.

My Passion

Had you asked me a few years ago, ‘what is your passion?’. I would have been a bit puzzled at the question and simply say that I didn’t have one. That is because along with my gender, I also buried my heart, my very sensitive and caring heart. But now that I am not hiding, or pretending to be someone I am not, I can let my heart out. And my heart’s cry, my passion, is for equality. I want everyone to be taken care of and have a fair shot at life. I want to end poverty and the housing crisis and the healthcare crisis and all of the other injustices of our world.

I feel like a child in this pursuit, there is so much I don’t understand. I want to fix everything, all of the inequality. So often I don’t know what to do to help, how to best use my limited resources. But I am learning. My heart’s cry will not be silenced, I will make an impact for good in this world.

Social Butterfly

In the past, I was anything but social. I always thought of myself as an introvert. I did my best to avoid social gatherings. Why would anyone want to be with a group of people when you can’t be you. But I seem to have done a 180 here. While I’m not sure that I would consider myself an extrovert I do very much like social gatherings. I seem to have a hunger to be with people, to interact with people. I need it like I need air.

I learned that when covid first hit and all of my social interaction outside the house suddenly stopped. Those first few weeks were very hard for me. At first, I had no idea why. I was used to working from home and we had enough of the necessities, yet life seemed so wrong. I finally realized that it was the lack of social interaction. It took me a bit but I finally figured out that I could satisfy my need for social interaction with online social interaction. I have joined a few groups and am quite active on social media. That has saved me, but I am so looking forward to the day we can get together again.

Crying is Good

While I never really bought into the men shouldn’t cry bs, I still often felt embarrassed about it. And even after accepting my femininity, at first I still felt it had to be controlled. It is OK to cry about big things, but not silly things. But over this past year, I have learned that crying is good. Be it tears of joy, or tears of sorrow, crying is good. It is a release. It is an expression of who you are. I don’t try to hold back anymore, be it a sad movie, or overwhelming joy. And I am not embarrassed or ashamed of it. This is me I am a very sensitive lady.

Black Lives Matter

I never understood that expression before. It seemed obvious, all lives matter, so of course black lives matter. But this past Summer opened my eyes. After seeing all that people of color go through on a daily basis. After having just a glimpse into centuries of systemic racism, I understand Black Lives Matter. They matter a lot to me. People of color have done so much for this nation, we owe them so much. Yet our institutions have condemned them to a substandard life.

We want to think America is great. But in this, America is ugly and I am so ashamed. But we can fix this. We can’t change the past but we can fight for a better future. Because America is only really great when everyone has the opportunity to rise to their full potential.

There is so much more I could share. And beyond that I know I have grown in ways I am not aware of. But I want to end where I started, thank you. I don’t think any of this would have been possible without my village. You all have given me so much; support and encouragement, advice and assistance, love and acceptance.

If we all can manage to do the same for others and they, in turn, can learn to do the same for others, our future is very bright, because LOVE WINS.